If only you could see the tears
In the world you left behind
If only you could heal my heart
Just one more time
Even when I close my eyes
There’s an image of your face
And once again I come to realise
You’re a loss I can’t replace

Soledad
It’s a keeping for the lonely
Since the day that you were gone
Why did you leave me
Soledad
In my heart you were the only
And your memory lives on
Why did you leave me
Soledad

Walking down the streets
Of Nothingville
Where our love was young and free
Can’t believe just what an empty place
It has come to be
I would give my life away
If it could only be the same
Cause I can’t still the voice inside of me
That is calling out your name

Time will never change the things you told me
After all we’re meant to be
Love will bring us back to you and me
If only you could see

I never thought that I’d fall in love, love, love, loveBut it grew from a simple crush, crush, crush, crushBeing without you girl, I was all messed up, up, up, upWhen you walked out, said that you’d had enough-nough-nough-nough
Been a fool, girl I knowDidn’t expect this is how things would goMaybe in time, you’ll change your mindNow looking back i wish i could rewind
Because i can’t sleep til you’re next to meNo i can’t live without you no moreOh i stay up til you’re next to meTil this house feels like it did beforeFeels like insomnia ah ah, Feels like insomnia ah ahFeels like insomnia ah ah, Feels like insomnia ah ah
Remember telling my boys that I’d never fall in love, love, love, loveYou used to think I’d never find a girl I could trust, trust, trust, trustAnd then you walked into my life and it was all about us, us, us, usBut now I’m sitting here thinking I messed the whole thing up, up, up, up
Been a fool (fool), girl I know (know)Didn’t expect this is how things would goMaybe in time (time), you’ll change your mind (mind)Now looking back i wish i could rewind
Because i can’t sleep til you’re next to meNo i can’t live without you no more (without you no more)Oh i stay up til you’re next to me (to me)Til this house feels like it did before (Because it)Feels like insomnia ah ah, Feels like insomnia ah ahFeels like insomnia ah ah (Ah), Feels like insomnia ah ah
Ah, i just can’t go to sleepCause it feels like I’ve fallen for youIt’s getting way too deepAnd i know that it’s love because
I can’t sleep til you’re next to meNo i can’t live without you no more (without you no more)Oh i stay up til you’re next to me (to me)Til this house feels like it did beforeFeels like insomnia ah ah, Feels like insomnia ah ahFeels like insomnia ah ah, Feels like insomnia ah ah
Feels like insomnia ah ah, Feels like insomnia ah ahFeels like insomnia ah ah, Feels like insomnia ah ah

i’m gonna die to myself alittle more just to say im sorry…and its my fault

this is going to be another post tat makes no sense and is just a mess of random thoughts that are floating in my mind and is not meant for anybody.

lets get started with wad im doing now, listening to The Fray’s How to Save a Life and Over My Head. 2 of my favourite songs by The Fray, the 2 most universal songs regarding loss and mixed up emotions.

basically if anyone knows me well enough, i never blog a serious post unless it has something to do with my emotions. especially when they are so messed up and everywhere tat i have to blog it out and hopefully get my mind straightened out by doing so.

love really is a deep and unending emotion, it drives ppl to do things tat they never knew they were possible of doing. it makes ppl feel complete and whole, i dare say tat God created love in each and everyone of us.

wanted something so badly, thought u couldnt have it for a sec just to have it kinda work out? then shit hits the fan and u feel like u’ve been played? u dont know whether you have been played or not, but it just seems like it. u follow gut feelings more than the words of others and u convinced urself tat ur gut feeling is definitely right. thus led u to do certain things tat seemed right at tat point of time, u feel better after tat…really convinced tat u figured it all out. 

but then, u dont feel urself…it felt weird and out of place, u know ur not like tat. and suddenly circumstances change and u soon regret wad u did, deeply. u realise its too late, and begin to tink of a way out. unfortunately there isnt any and the onli way is the hard way, u apologise…hoping tat things might get fixed. it didnt. 

the hunter has become the hunted. and u find tat the tables are turned and roles are reversed. the world turned upside down once again and it just left u confused and lost, unsure of wad to believe or wad to do. u tried, but u didnt try hard enough.

now u needed to tink, tink hard and tink things through but u cant…u find urself being the very person u try not to be. now ur being called names, ur hurt really badly, u dont know how it came to this…after all, u were genuine and have been truthful all these while. u conclude tat u were misunderstood, but then again so was the other party. now u resorted to the “idling game” jus simply idling around trying bits and pieces of different ways to see whether u can make sense of it all. u begin to ask urself a question in itself. 

ur now tired, the same 2 songs playing in the background are the onli things in the room tat seems to keep ur mind moving. u really wish that the other person could see things from ur point of view, actually no…right now u jus simply miss tat person. but u have this feeling tat the feeling is not mutual. ok now ur fighting ur thoughts again, well…it was these very same assumptions tat got u waist deep in this crap. mayb its time for u to do something……………………………….

ur parents jus suddenly burst into the room interrupting ur thoughts, u shoo-ed  them off. somehow now u feel slightly better, tat little interruption gave u the pause u needed. do u know wad u want? does the other person know wad they want? u dont wanna point fingers and play the “fault game” no one likes to be blamed. but somehow it seems like its ur fault now, BUT U WERE GENUINE! u spoke ur mind, but it wasnt wad the other party wanted to hear.

sigh… now ur back at the start, not knowing wad to do next. but u do know 1 thing, u want things to go back to the way it was before. u still care, u know u do…it didnt waiver 1 bit, but the other side tinks otherwise…either tat or they couldnt tell. now ur hurt again for being open and honest. u took a deep breath and let it go, somehow hoping tat all ur problems would be carried away by a long sigh. it didnt. ur back at the start…

I just realised I onli use tumblr whenever shit happens…sigh these 2 days has seriously been depressing. Tons and tons of crap jus suddenly airbourne-ed into my life. Failed my practical test yesterday for bike course, experienced an emotional roller coaster, rushed to and fro places faster than the wind etc… Everything’s in such a mess now. Lost confused demoralised heartbroken regretful, are the feelings I have now all at the same time…God help me

On this day God told me jus before worship ended:

“You will not stop dancing…I have pulled you through before, I will do it now”

Wad great words they are :)

somethings are just harder to express with a keyboard compared to a pen and paper. but either ways i shall try my best to blog today. haha

havent touched tumblr for quite awhile now since i went into NS. partially cuz i have no time and also bcuz i wrote down my stuffs in a little notebook. anyways right now feeling kinda down…dunno y but im starting to find living in singapore kinda meaningless, dont get me wrong, im not feeling suicidal hahaha…just tat this country is so restrictive. yes it might be the safest country in terms of security…but the system, its the system.

if so many ppl who went overseas to live kept saying that the life there is so much better, then i guess its kinda true.

sigh i jus feel restricted. the life of a typical singaporean is so tied down with things to do. finding comfort in religion is 1 of the onli things keeping me in control right now. but i guess its too late, im a singaporean and im destined to live a life of constantly being under pressure. i just wish i could break free and express myself without being judged by everyone around me…

A beautiful evening. A special entry today on my iPhone, left my journal back in camp. Stopped journaling after BMT, never thought I would write again let alone when I’m already out of camp but somehow today seemed special…listening to Hallelujah by Tenth Avenue North and felt a great urge to take a walk at the nearby park. Indeed God has been good to me all this while, from all the painful ordeals last year till BMT and until now in SCS. During times when I thought I couldn’t make it, We did. I am thankful. For everything.

A God-given idea was planted in my mind as I’m sitting here on a park bench looking at the empty seat next to me.

Indeed God is good to me.

“…be still and know that

I AM GOD”

The past 2 months have been 1 of the most toughest but yet memorable 2 months of my life…haha as most ppl have known, i enlisted in NS on the 2nd August 2011 into Whiskey Company, platoon 1 section 2. but tat was awhile back and i wrote journal entries as much as i could during my BMT life which i will post on tumblr soon when i have the time…but for now i jus wanna post some reflections i have

im at the last 5 hours of my block leave and im entering SCS tmw to begin my sergeant training. heard lots of good and bad things about SCS, and it kinda frightens me and brought my melancholic side up…i know most ppl say tat BMT is actually the post screwed-up part in NS, but even after completing it i still feel scared about SCS. 

im not a soldier, sadly but honestly i say this…i have never liked fighting or violence, whether being forced to or not. i guess this is my general opinion on NS as a whole. ive been mentally preparing myself daily since i enlisted but its just enough for me to scrape pass the day and its exhausting. i really got to thank God for getting me pass this 2 months.

BMT has trained me to be tougher mentally and physically, especially on the mental side. i met alot of frens and ppl whom i am grateful to know, especially my commanders. its really amazing how dedicated they are in carrying out their roles in the company, no matter how tough they are. its like they can be a totally different person jus to do their job well, some sergeants whom are nice by nature can really be asses and etc…i admire them for tat. 

thought about my future in SCS, since i cant get into Music & Drama Company (MDC)…which im greatly saddened by :( i shall try to get into my 2nd favourite vocation, Singapore Police Force or Military Police. i have always admired the law and their keepers…ever since i joined NPCC in sec school, i came to enjoy learning about the law and how it works. i wore the blue uniform with much pride and joy even though im onli in NPCC. i guess tats wad i am (apart from being a performer), a peacemaker.

gonna have dinner with my parents now, ahaha BMT taught me to treasure the ppl around me more :) thank God for everything!